From "Ex" to "Co-Parent": Why Shifting Your Mindset (and Language) is Key to Successful Co-Parenting

Divorce is messy.
Emotions flare. Communication breaks down.
And the person you once shared your life with becomes “your ex.”

It’s tempting to keep them in that box—the one labelled:
“Ex: Do Not Open Unless Crying, Complaining, or Venting.”

But if you share children, the reality is that you need to move past seeing them as just "your ex".
You need to shift them from "ex" to "co-parent".

That shift can be hard—but it’s absolutely crucial.
For your kids. And for your sanity.

Your “Ex” and Your “Co-Parent” Are Two Different People

What happened between you and your ex—the romance, the breakdown, the arguments, the hurt—that’s yours. It’s personal.

But it’s not your kids’ problem, and you need to be careful it doesn’t turn into it.

They don’t need to hear about it, feel it, or absorb it.
And the best way to protect them from it is to start treating your ex and your co-parent like two completely different people.

How I Made the Shift (and Why It Mattered)

I started calling my ex “my co-parent” when we had to make decisions about our kids.

When I needed to vent to my friends and talk about what an asshole he was being? He was my ex.

But when it came to logistics, decision-making, and responsibilities, he was my co-parent.

This wasn’t just about semantics, it wasn't just a change in words—it was a whole mindset shift.
The more I separated those two roles, the easier it was to manage our new normal.

My kids deserved that.
They didn’t need to get caught in the crossfire of our emotional baggage.
They needed two parents, loving them—even if we weren’t under the same roof.

The Ex You Once Loved vs. The Co-Parent You Now Have

Your ex was someone you shared a romantic relationship with.
Someone you thought you’d raise your kids with, side by side.

But the reality changed.

The relationship ended.
Communication broke down.
And the future you imagined didn’t happen.

That hurt, that sadness, that frustration? That’s part of your “ex” story.

But your co-parent is a new character in a new chapter. A brand new relationship to forge.

It’s no longer about love or compatibility.
It’s about logistics, consistency, and creating stability for your kids. Parenting your children from separate homes, possibly (probably) with different styles, schedules, and maybe even conflicting views on discipline, homework, or bedtime.

And that means learning to communicate differently:
👉 Without the emotional baggage
👉 Without trying to fix what’s broken
👉 Without dragging the past into every handover

It’s about setting boundaries, managing expectations, and collaborating without letting the emotional baggage of your past relationship spill into your parenting decisions.

Co-Parents Share One Goal: Your Kids

You don’t need to agree on everything.
You don’t even need to be friends.
But you do need to remember that you and your co-parent share the same goal:

👉 Loving your kids and helping them become healthy, happy humans.

Regardless of disagreements or personal differences, your focus is on loving your kids and doing right by them, even if you’re doing it from separate households, or doing it different ways. The shared mission is still the same.

To achieve that, you HAVE to separate the emotions tied to your ex from the responsibilities tied to your co-parent. Is it tough? Absolutely. But it’s necessary.

How to Start Making the Shift

This isn’t about being perfect—it’s about being intentional.

Here’s how to start separating “ex” from “co-parent”:

🔸 No more relationship talk during parenting conversations.
If they go there, redirect.

“That’s not something I want to revisit. Let’s stick to the plan for the kids.”

🔸 Don’t rehash history in front of the kids.
They’re not your sounding board, and it’s not their emotional weight to carry. Even eye-rolls and sarcasm count—your tone matters as much as your words. Any conversations about "you" or your relationship should happen in private, away from prying eyes and little listening ears.

🔸 Stop looking to your co-parent for emotional support.
That version of your relationship is over. Find support elsewhere—friends, family, a coach, a journal. You’re allowed to feel all of it… just not with them.

🔸 Use different channels for different purposes.
If you’re texting about logistics, don’t slip into emotional or personal topics. Consider using a co-parenting app (I've heard great things about Our Family Wizard, although I haven't used it myself) or a dedicated WhatsApp thread just for kid-related stuff (this is what we do).

🔸 Speak to them like a colleague, not a confidant.
Professional. Respectful. Clear. Think: “school newsletter update,” not “late-night emotional dump.”

🔸 Pause before you hit send.
If you feel activated, wait. Ask yourself: Am I speaking to my co-parent, or reacting to my ex?
(And if it’s the latter—draft it, don’t send it.)

🔸 Get clear on your own needs and limits.
Boundaries don’t just happen—they're chosen. What will you no longer tolerate? What do you need in place to feel emotionally safe? Define it, then practise upholding it.

This co-parenting thing is a new relationship.
So it requires new rules, new expectations, and new boundaries.

Give the Shift a Chance

I’m not saying that this shift from “ex” to “co-parent” will be easy.
But I am saying it’s possible. And absolutely necessary for moving forward in a healthy way.

The shift from “ex” to “co-parent” won’t happen overnight—but when it starts to click?

Your nervous system calms down.
Your boundaries get clearer.
Your kids feel more secure.
And you stop feeling like you’re constantly fighting a battle that no one wins.

Your kids get need to see that their parents can work together, even when things didn’t go as planned.

This mindset shift has been a game-changer for me.
It might be for you too.

You’re doing the work—for yourself, for your kids, and for your co-parenting relationship.
And I’m so damn proud of you.

P.S. If this was helpful, please subscribe to my blog updates to make sure you get my latest blog updates as they are published. I’m here to help you move through divorce, dating, and co-parenting with pleasure, power, and joy!