How to Put Your Kids First in Co-Parenting, Without Losing Yourself in the Process

Four years ago, I did something that felt almost unthinkable at the time.

It was my daughter’s fourth birthday. We were over a year into our separation, and while we were figuring out the logistics of co-parenting, things were still pretty emotionally raw. I’d only had one brief meeting with the woman who is now my daughters’ stepmamma - the "other woman" - and I still really wanted nothing to do with her.

But. My daughter's birthday wasn't about me. It was her day, and I knew she wanted her whole family together. Her mummy, daddy, sister, stepmamma and bonus sisters. Everyone she loved in one place. (At least, the small version of everyone she loved - it was still Covid times so options were already quite limited!)

So I pulled on my big girl pants and invited them all over to my house.

I specifically planned it in a way that felt just about doable to me. It was only going to be an hour or so, outside in the garden, bubbles, games, cake. I carefully thought through what felt possible, and I knew that no matter what happened, I could definitely handle an hour.

Was I smiling through some discomfort? Absolutely.
Did I feel anxious before they arrived? Very.

But my sweet baby girl? She LOVED IT! Running around like a maniac, so excited to show the people she loved her "other house". That day was magic for her.

For her, it was the Best Day! For me, it was about the long game.

I knew that in the long run I wanted to be able to do birthdays and holidays together. I didn't want them to have parents who would never be in the same room as each other. I wanted my kids to feel like they didn’t have to split themselves in half.

But that future wasn’t going to magically appear.

Someone had to go first.

Someone had to make the first move.
And that someone was going to be me.

What 'Putting Your Kids First' Really Means in Co-Parenting

Fast forward to a couple weeks ago - her eighth birthday.

We had her party, and it was everything I could ask for. We were all there - me, my co-parent, his partner, my partner. There was no awkwardness. No tension. No subtle power plays. We weren't in "fake-it-till-you-make-it" mode anymore.

Instead, we were a group of adults genuinely comfortable being together, helping each other out, sharing balloons between households and celebrating this kid we all love so deeply.

A few days before the party, we even had a family movie afternoon at their house because her stepsisters couldn’t come to the party itself. We made space for them to still be part of the celebration, because that’s what my daughter wanted.

None of this would’ve been possible if I hadn’t sat with the discomfort, worked through my stuff, and taken that first step four years ago.

And not just once.
Again and again and again and again.
Every time something new came up. Every time old wounds got poked.

This place we’re in now didn’t happen by accident.

It was built.
With intention.
Over time.
Through a lot of inner work.

How to Know the Difference Between Healthy Boundaries and Self-Sacrifice

There’s a massive misconception out there that “putting your kids first” means sacrificing yourself.

And sure, I’ve stretched my comfort zone. I’ve made decisions that felt uncomfortable in the moment.

But not once have I done something that felt like a “NO” in my body.
Not once have I sacrificed my peace, safety, or wellbeing to “prove” I’m a good parent.

There’s a difference between discomfort and self-abandonment.

✅ Discomfort says “This is scary… but I can do it.”
❌ Self-abandonment says “This feels wrong… but I’ll do it anyway.”

When I invited them to that first birthday party, I made sure it was something I could handle. We kept it short. We planned to stay outside (although the rain had other plans!). I was clear with my boundaries.

That was me honouring my nervous system while choosing what I believed was best for my child.

How to Put Your Kids First and Respect Your Own Needs in Divorce

This is what co-parenting with emotional maturity looks like:

It’s knowing that sometimes, putting your kids first does mean choosing the harder thing.

It means regulating your nervous system.
It means pausing to check your motivations.
It means asking:

• “Am I doing this for my child, or to avoid conflict?”

• “Can I show up with love, or am I stuck in resentment?”

• “Will this stretch me, or break me?”

And if the answer is that it’s too much this year? That’s ok!

Then your job becomes doing the inner work to make it possible next year.

We’re not aiming for perfection. We’re aiming for growth.

Putting your kids first doesn’t mean becoming a doormat.
It doesn’t mean tolerating harmful dynamics or ignoring your boundaries.

It means developing the discernment to know:
👉 What you can stretch into
👉 What’s out of alignment
👉 What’s worth trying, and what can wait

You don’t have to lose yourself in the process.
You just need to lead yourself through it.

✨ Ready to talk about your co-parenting dynamic?
This is exactly the kind of self-leadership and emotional clarity I help my clients build.
If you want support navigating the “messy middle” of putting your kids first without abandoning yourself, book a free discovery call and let’s talk.