How to Start Moving Forward After Separation or Divorce

So, your husband/ wife/ spouse recently told you they want a divorce. And although it felt like that news might kill you on the spot, you did, in fact, survive it! And the next day, and the next. Congratulations!

I want you to hang on to that knowledge because there will be other REALLY hard days to come.

Remember that you have survived every single hard day so far, so you’ll probably survive the coming hard days, weeks, and months too.

What to Do When the Shock Wears Off

So, now you’re past the immediate shock (and if you’re not, go back and read my blog post called My Husband Just Asked for a Divorce! Now What the F*ck Do I Do?!), but now what? You still feel lost and don’t know where to go from here. 

There could be so many answers to this question, and quite honestly, I started to get overwhelmed myself when I started writing this blog article - where to start and how much to include?! And then I remembered just how overwhelmed I was with, well, everything!, when I had a newborn, a toddler, and was going through the messy, messy separation phase! 

What I wanted, what I needed, was some simplicity. I didn’t need to solve everything all at once (although wouldn’t that be grand?!). I just needed to find which way was “forward” and start heading in that direction, one step at a time. 

So, if you’re expecting this single blog post to fully and completely answer the question “how do I move forward after my separation?”, I’m sorry to say it won’t.

But, what I can (and will) give you is a few specific, actionable steps to start moving forward.

Because that’s actually the only way to get anywhere—one step at a time. 

Step 1: Lower Your Standards and Expectations

Why It’s Okay to Let Things Slide Right Now

Trust me, I’m ALL about having high standards for what you want in life, how you treat yourself, how others treat you, all of that. But right now, when it comes to day-to-day life? Lower those standards right down. 

Trying to keep the house clean,
stay on top of laundry,
dishes washed,
garden sorted,
kids fed nutritious meals,
school uniforms ironed,
reading log completed,
8,467 daily school e-mails read,
gym 4x/week,
social life intact,
legal consultations,
financial advisor information requests,
etc etc—

it’s no wonder you’re bloody exhausted! It’s because this list is exhausting! 

Cut. Yourself. Some. Slack.

If the uniforms aren’t ironed, the unread e-mails pile up, and everyone eats beans on toast for 4 days straight - no one will die. 

If your mum pops round to check on you and the kitchen counter is piled high with dirty dishes and the bathroom sink is more crusty toothpaste than actual ceramic - still, no one will die. 

(I mean, quite honestly, I subscribe to this in all seasons of life, not just when you’re juggling a busy job, parenting, and a new separation, but it’s PARTICULARLY important at this time!)

Step 2: Focus on Three Priority Areas

To keep things manageable, I’m going to give you three specific actions around three key areas when you’re moving forward in separation:

• For you

• For your kids

• For your co-parenting relationship

These are the priorities right now. Let’s take one step forward in each of them.

For You: Start a 5-Minute Daily Reset

• Action: Take five minutes every evening to breathe deeply and journal about one thing that’s been bothering you today. Then, write a single sentence reframing it with a more empowering perspective.

• Why It Works: This helps shift the focus from being stuck in stress or negative emotions to feeling more in control of your mindset. This simple practice of slowing down and checking in with yourself helps you interrupt the chaos. Deep breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system, calming your stress response. Journaling allows you to acknowledge and process what’s happening emotionally, while the reframing step encourages optimism and problem-solving. It’s short, manageable, and grounding. 

Pro Tip: Keep your journal by your bedside, so it becomes part of your bedtime routine. If you’re stuck on how to reframe, ask yourself, “What’s one thing I learned from this situation today?” or “How would I want to respond differently tomorrow?”

For Your Kids: Be Their Safe Place

• Action: Create a moment each day to remind your kids that they are safe and loved. Say explicitly, “I love you, no matter what. It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling.” Then, follow it up with an open question like, “Is there anything on your mind today?” Keep your tone calm and inviting, and just listen.

• Why It Works: Studies show that when parents provide consistent emotional validation during times of change, children are better able to adapt to stress and feel secure. Using language that normalises their emotions—like “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling”—helps foster emotional resilience.

Pro Tip: If your child struggles to open up, lead by example. Share something simple like, “I’ve been feeling sad today. I’m sad this is causing so much hurt for our family. I’ve cried a lot, and then I felt a bit better. How are you feeling today?” This models healthy emotional sharing without putting pressure on them.

For the Co-Parenting Relationship: Use Forward-Looking Language

• Action: When discussing parenting matters, refer to your former partner as your "co-parent" instead of "ex." For example, say, "I'll coordinate with my co-parent about the school event," rather than, "I'll talk to my ex."

• Why It Works: The language you use shapes how you think and approach situations. Referring to them as your "co-parent" emphasises your shared responsibility for your children and sets a tone of collaboration, not conflict. This subtle but intentional shift helps you both focus on building a constructive, forward-focused relationship, rather than getting stuck in the negativity of the past.

I did this in my own relationship early on—talked about my “co-parent” in terms of our current/future situation, and my “ex” when I was talking about our breakup or the past—and it made a huge difference. It’s only afterwards that I realised research supports it too—win! 

It turns out that studies show that positive and future-oriented communication improves collaboration and reduces tension in relationships, which is crucial for effective co-parenting (source). By fostering a cooperative dynamic, you're not only easing the stress for yourself but also modeling healthy conflict resolution for your children.

Bonus: Create a "Next Chapter" Vision Board or Journal

(I know my goal was to keep this concise so it doesn’t get overwhelming with too many actions or options, but I can’t help myself! So I’m adding this extra step because it’s a doozy, and I’m giving you a visual form or a written form to suit your preference) 

• Action (for visual thinkers): Spend 30 minutes (on your own or with your kids!) creating a small vision board about what you want your life to look like in a year. Use images, words, or anything inspiring to represent personal goals, family dreams, and a healthy future.

  OR

• Action (for writers): Spend 30 minutes journaling about what you want your life to look like in a year. Write about your personal goals, family dreams, and a healthy future. What would your days look like? What will your co-parenting relationship look and feel like? Write it in as much detail as you can.

• Why It Works: It shifts energy from “surviving today” to “building tomorrow,” providing a positive focus and reinforcing the idea that things can and will improve. Visualising your ideal future activates your brain’s problem-solving regions, reinforcing motivation and clarity. Studies show that envisioning success makes you more likely to take action toward it.

Pro Tip: If you involve your kids in the process, ask them to include their own goals—whether it’s learning a new skill, starting a fun tradition, or dreaming about a family holiday. This can foster connection and show them that rebuilding the future is a team effort.

Final Thoughts and Next Steps

Ok, I could go on and on, but I think this is where I need to leave it for now! Your separation may feel like the end, but it’s also a brand new beginning. My hope is that these steps give you a sense of control and direction as you move forward in your separation.

Remember, it’s always one step at a time. (Or 3 in this case!)

You’ve got this!

P.S. If this was helpful, please subscribe to my blog updates to make sure you get my latest blog updates as they are published. I’m here to help you move through divorce, dating, and co-parenting with pleasure, power, and joy!