How Do I Know When I’m Ready To Start Dating Again After Divorce?

"The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else."

Raise your hand if someone has told you this after your separation or divorce.

You too?! I knew it wasn’t just me who’d heard it!

So, what do you think about it? Honestly, it made me feel icky. I was SO not going with that approach! I had absolutely no interest in dating again when everything was swirling around. And, to be fair, my separation process lasted months and months, so it wasn’t even entirely clear to me when we were properly “over.” (However abundantly clear it might have been to others!)

Plus, I had a baby and a toddler, we were in the midst of Covid and recurring lockdowns, “tier” rules, etc., so no, I was absolutely not ready to start dating again, despite what all my well-meaning friends were suggesting.

The Unexpected "Soft Launch" into Dating

Until…

I found myself "dating" someone.

I say "dating" because I’m not actually sure what to call it. We referred to it as “whatever this thing is that we’re doing.”

Basically, I fell for a man I had known since high school, who I had a flirtation with in our teenage years but never progressed into anything.

And who lived 4,500 miles away. 

I usually leave this whole thing out of my "how did I start dating again" stories because it’s easier than trying to explain, but actually—it’s really very relevant.

This man got me ready for dating again. He was a safe way in.

I didn’t realise it at the time, but looking back, I can see he was a "soft launch" into the dating world for me. And man, was he wonderful! I don’t talk about him much when I share my dating stories, partially because an "internet relationship" sounds flippant, but really, he was so important to me. I’ll forever be grateful for what he taught me during that time. (I’m also grateful for what will hopefully be a lifelong friendship with him!)

Practicing Vulnerability & Feminine Energy

In this "whatever it was" relationship, I got to practice implementing all the things I was learning in my self-discovery journey and relationship studies. It felt like I was taking my learnings out of the classroom and applying them, but not quite as big of a leap into the "real" world.

So I got to practice new ways of showing up in relationships. I practiced leaning into my feminine energy, big style. Before every "video date night" I would do things to get into my feminine energy, like:

• Listening to my ✨🔥Sex Magic🔥✨ playlist 

• Gently running my hands over my body

• Fixing up my hair and makeup

• Changing clothes into something softer

And on the date, I practiced asking more questions, listening, receiving. I turned down my “I want to fix it” energy and turned up my “I’m here to receive” energy.

I also practiced taking down my walls and being vulnerable with someone new. And in particular - with a new MAN. I was already getting better at letting my girlfriends into my inner world, but opening up to a man who wasn’t my husband? That took practice.

So, we did this “online thing” for about six months, this dating-but-not-really-dating thing, and it was fantastic. 

And then, it ran its course.

And he was brave enough to call an end to it, to speak up about knowing this wasn’t the energetic match we both wanted in the long run, and he was right. So that was the end of our “whatever it was”, and back to our friendship (but not before I flew over for a visit and “popped my post-divorce cherry”!) 

(Side note: “popping your cherry” is not really a thing and losing your virginity is completely a social construct so I am cringing at my own use of this phrase, but it’s ingrained in our culture and here I am using it. It’s not so bad if you recognise its faults whilst using it, maybe? Anyway, I digress!)

Entering the "Real" Dating World

So, I get back to England, my online "thing" is over, and my friends want to know if this means I’m ready for "real" dating now—men I haven’t already known for 18 years, men who live in the same country as me. Seems a legit question, right?

But no, no, I am absolutely not ready, I say. I have zero interest in using dating apps, in going on an actual date with an actual stranger. I didn’t even properly date before I got married; I certainly have no clue how to do it now! That’s a “NO” to the apps, thankyouverymuch.

Until….

The Accidental Dive into Dating Apps

(This is genuinely how this went down!)

10pm on a random night:

Kids have been asleep for hours, and I’m bored of Netflix. I start wondering…

• What are these dating apps actually like?

• Are they as bad as people say?

• Who's out there in the dating world?

• What does this "pool of available men" look like?

Maybe I’ll just do a little reconnaissance. Just so I know what to expect for when I am ready…

I’ll try Bumble, because I’ve heard it’s the non-creepy one where women make the first move.

Oh shoot, you can’t even see the app without making a profile!

Fine, I’ll make a bare-bones profile, just to see who’s out there.

Oh shoot, you can’t browse, you have to swipe!

Well, this is a lot of pressure… Is he a "yes" or a "no"?!

Fine, I’ll swipe no just to get to the next person.

Oh… this is actually quite interesting!

Swipes yes, no, no, yes, no, yes...

OH BLOODY HELL! Someone matched with me?!

Panic!!! What do I do now?!

“Hi”

Forget this, I can’t handle it! Byeeeee!

Puts down phone. Goes to bed.

Next morning:

Wait… what happened with that match? He messaged back!

BOOM. Somehow, without realising, I was on the dating apps. I had entered the dating world without really intending to, but as it turns out, it was quite exciting, and I was hooked!

So, how do you know when you’re ready to date again after divorce?

You might not even know it! I didn’t.

But, no matter what else is happening or what others are saying—you listen to yourself. 

You don’t have to have full answers, grand plans, everything laid out. You take little steps in directions that light you up. 

I “wasn’t ready” to start dating again, but talking to my old friend felt right, 
and flirting felt right, 
and telling him how I felt about him felt right, 
and we agreed we’d do “whatever this is” until it didn’t feel right for either of us anymore, 
and that’s what we did. 

And then, I “wasn’t ready” to try dating apps or “real life” dating, 
but logging on to a dating app felt right, 
setting up a profile felt right, 
chatting with men I matched with felt right, 
going on my first proper first date felt right… 

I just kept asking myself what the next step was, and following what felt good, exciting, and right. 

One step at a time. On your own timeline.

With full permission to slow down or pause or backup whenever you want. No rush, no pressure. You get to do this in a way that works for you.

That’s always my answer—for me and for you.